…autumn leaves turn to winter breeze..
as i sit here typing i wonder if i’ve made any progress whining and discussing and intellectualising about the whole damn affair…
how did it come to this?? …
even b4 embarking on this journey last year to pursue what interested me:musical theatre, knowing i had all the ability and spark to make it big in the industry, as soon as i got into it, perspectives change and i found myself questioning if i had made the right choice - there was so much at stake: with each passing day i was faced with challenges that eventually made me question my own identity. i saw what one had to do, to sacrifice, to live the life of a performer…in many classes, i felt myself wondering what the hell am i studying this for? theatre when i could be devoting the same time and money to studying about human behaviour…just seems to me a more productive way or something..
i know many theatre lovers would disagree with me that there’s nothing better than the freedom and creativity of the performing arts world, but for me personally, i’ve always been happier finding out ways i can help people and in fact, enjoy it more than performing ever will…
i dunno how many of us are spiritual these days, but i need that aspect in my life and being in singapore has actually resulted in the opposite happenning…i found i had to change my views to fit in (theatre people are so very clannish that if u dont speak their lingo, u ain’t part of the club) , and found myself willing to give up my principles and to a certain extent, my morality if thats how to myself noticed..and i think, this cant be it!?? i need more in life…
..but what is most scary: i going to the theatre, being with artsy people, sharing their life experiences, singing and dancing, but (i never thought i’d say this) really don’t give a damn about pleasing the audience or not coz if i dont get a personal kick outta singing, etc, i feel so dejected and empty i wonder what its all about…
July 1st, 2005 at 11:54 am
It’s like Malaysian film making. Many of the independent film makers here do things that they don’t what to in order to survive. They might hate doing adverts for clients, selling their art to corporate whores who corrupt their work, mortgaging the very roof over their heads, but it’s the only way to scrape up enough money to support their work…
So I guess if you love your art enough, soldier on and live your dream. Selling your existence would be worth it because your soul lives in your art.